why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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