i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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