ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
no, he came in my armpit
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just want to make out with him forever
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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