dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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