Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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