I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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