we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
