am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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