He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She bit a glass in half.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
