Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
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sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
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I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?