i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.