I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
