My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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