To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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