When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she told me i tasted like america
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
