Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
