No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
