Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
