Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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