I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
