I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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