There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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