Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
