My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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