mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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