if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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