Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
