It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
