my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
