you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
