She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So squirting runs in the family.
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Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
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I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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