I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask