i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."