I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
