I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
