I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?