I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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