____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
