paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
