I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
