so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
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It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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