Just cropdusted the office
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
