she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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