I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
