Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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