I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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