I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
