I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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