I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
