I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize