When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
