I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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