I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
