happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
