Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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