Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
