Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
