i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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